Finding the spark

After 5 years of therapeutic schools, my spouse and I believe that our son Elisha is ready for more. These settings were and are remarkable, they succeeded in helping Elisha emerge from his shell and engage with the world, and we are immensely grateful, but there are clear limits at what they can achieve.

Elisha is happy there, and happiness is so very important, but part of that happiness is predicated on patterns, and not engaging enough with areas that present too much difficulty. It is not coasting exactly, but neither is it a clear pathway to breaking through to new vistas, and becoming more independent.

Disengagement is not a viable option, when it comes to basic life skills such as reading, arithmetic, and socialization.

What has to be found is the spark.

Like so many of us on the spectrum, the spark of self-motivation is absolutely essential. Rewards and punishments don’t work with him, they don’t work with me. Behaviorist approaches that don’t address the inner life of Elisha are not going to be successful.

So how is the spark to be found?

How does one motivate a child to try something new and difficult for them. Explaining to an autistic child of his age that arithmetic is an essential life skill is too theoretical, Elisha doesn’t have the ability to extrapolate that way about the future.

I don’t have the key yet to impart to him many of these essential skills, but at least I have a roadmap.

It is mostly a map for me, not for Elisha. That map is full of obstacles and dangers, but it is exists.

I know it exists because I have seen that Elisha does have the mental capacity for arithmetic. His one for one correspondence has improved tremendously, and in the last few days, I have seen Elisha add two and two together, and understand that it makes four. We are adding these numbers together with our fingers, and there is resistance every step of the way. Elisha will look away. Elisha will tell me ‘then we are done’. Elisha will give me an answer he knows is wrong. Elisha will suggest we do something else. Elisha will start singing. These are the same avoidance strategies he used as he was beginning to learn how to read with a few new twists.

I don’t force anything on my child who I love more than life itself, but neither do I give up. As with reading I believe that he will find a way to own the process.

I believe that it was our persistence, that eventually led Elisha to understand that reading was simply a basic part of life, and to finally decide to engage in literacy. Now I have to convince him that the same is true for math.

I spoke to a friend of ours with two adult children on the spectrum. Their paths were long and involved special ed, but they graduated college, one of them lives on their own, and they are well on their way to achieving independence.

I hope that there is a similar path in store for Elisha.